Every client is unique, but sometimes we get clients who are completely unusual, such as those who “order” NVC for business. To anyone who is closer to my vintage and now comes to mind the acronym PVC, or some other like it, let me explain right away that NVC(non-violent communication) – in Polish PbP, ornonviolent agreement – is an approach to communication authored by Marshall Rosenberg, otherwise known as the language of the heart.
Emotions in business?
I wonder why it actually delights me? After all, the topic of emotions in business has become very “legitimate” during the pandemic, and fortunately it no longer needs to convince clients that it makes sense to support leaders in drawing on emotions on a daily basis. However, it is still something else for me to weave the topic of emotions into a broader context concerning, for example, building a culture of feedback or a participative management style, and something else to order a completely separate module aimed at teaching the company’s leaders to communicate empathetically (because that is the shortest definition of NVC for me).
Empathic Contact.
Now I have to hit my breast (metaphorically, of course, because what’s my body to blame) and admit that while I myself was immediately enthralled by NVC and “bought” it in its entirety, with the conviction that it’s real, deep and universally human, I was a little doubtful that business would be interested in an approach where the key is to get in touch with your feelings and needs. Well, and life has once again positively surprised me. Yesterday, my colleague and I finished working with another group of managers who not only took an interest in the subject, but were very open to it. It turned out that talking about one’s feelings in a professional situation is not at all awkward, and one can calmly, respectfully and with dignity tell someone that one feels disappointment, anxiety or anger at a given moment. Moreover, the participants experienced on themselves that such a message has more power and that it captures attention more, and most importantly, does not leave indifferent and is more likely to make them listen and cooperate. At the heart of it all is empathetic contact. Ensuring that we first establish a thread of understanding with our interlocutor, whatever we want to settle and however substantive and “hard” the issue may be. Of course, it is necessary to take care of contact with ourselves first, because we need to be aware of our own feelings, thoughts and needs before we can start a conversation with another person.
Transformative Potential.
Seeing the participants’ understanding of what we were talking about and hearing the really “racy” NVC messages they created for specific situations at the end of the training, I had a glare about why so many efforts to improve communication in companies go to waste (I’ve observed this over the years working in several companies in different industries). That’s because we used a kind of symptomatic treatment. There were some symptoms (e.g., communication that did not support agreement, blame, conflict) that managers and/or HR tried to get rid of, but they did not get to the root of the problem, to the real cause of inadequate communication. People were taught feedback in the form of a “sandwich,” FUKO, or other SPiNKA, assertive messages, phrases like “are you coming with a solution or are you part of the problem,” but did it work? Did it change the attitude, the approach, the culture of the organization? Maybe somewhere, sometimes, to a limited extent, with regard to individuals, smaller groups, but it could not be called a transformation. NVC has transformative potential because it deals with the essence of communication, i.e. the human being. Yes, us! Not with the choice of the right words, facial expressions, gestures, tone (although this, of course, is also important), but with what is the heart (or engine for car enthusiasts) of all communication, namely people. Our intentions, our emotions, our needs, and finally our requests, which are worth formulating in order to, as Marshall Rosenberg says, “enrich life.” I will console rationalists that in empathetic communication there is also a place for referring to facts and using observations.
This way of communication is true, because it allows us to express what is “alive” in us at that moment. It makes us authentic and in tune with ourselves, while listening to people with our hearts, taking into account their feelings and needs, no matter what words they use (with more skill). Anyway, Marshall Rosenberg used to say that he never listens to what people say, but to what they need, and with such inspiration I leave you.
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